last year around about this time i began keeping a book of promises to myself everyday. i don’t need to write in it everyday but some days it keeps me focused. i have always had trouble doing my procedures and taking care of myself, i think it’s from a secret wish to be dead and because acknowledging my illness so wholly brings on a great feeling of sorrow and trauma because of the effect my birth had on my family. truly it was the fault of american health care and a capitlist, ableist society that “ruined” my families lives, NOT MINE.
i am trying really hard to teach my heart to accept this as more than just a logical conclusion to draw from facts but as a truth i can feel. some wonderfully empathetic, sensitive social workers and therapists are aiding me with this at the moment.
i have taken the step of applying for the mental healthcare plan and i qualified, though as i was qualifying i was thinking about how many people experience ailments and traumas as valid as mine that would probably get turned down. i sort of get a free pass because saying “chronic incureable potentially life threatening illness” and being a white male who lives in an urben area with access to such things, who is in a condition to express his needs in a “coherent” (as conforming with the dominant social view of coherence) way and using the dominant language to say* that is like a golden ticket with the way these things are administered socially. at least in a country with decent healthcare anyways. this is obviously due to systematic oppression set into action by an ableist - patriarchal - white supremacist culture. i don’t want to be afforded these privilages and not acknowledging the inbalance at the least. i hope my writing and work does something for anyone who experiences a lifestyle comparable to or in fact worse than what i do. i hope it shows someone who has never been in this position that even from my position of struggle it could be a whole lot fucking worse. if you ever voted against universal healthcare i hope you read this shit and dissolve onto your keyboard.
shit, even with all we have there is still so much to be done. during my last admission a nurse in hospital tried to to stop me from filing a grievance telling me i was already so lucky to be getting the care i have. FUCKER NO ONE SHOULD NEED LUCK TO BE AFFORDED HELP TO BREATH OR HELP WITH THEIR MENTAL FACILITIES OR HELP TO OVERCOME ANY AILMENT TO THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE STANDARD BASED ON WHAT IS HUMYNLY POSSIBLE - SHIT SHOULD BE A FUCKING ENTREE TO THE MAIN MEAL OF LIVING LIKE A RESPECTED ORGANISM ON THE PLANET EARTH - SO JUST GIVE ME THE NUMBER TO THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT AND SHUT THE DOOR REAL APOLOGETIC AND GINGER - LIKE YOU HAVE RECOGNISED HOW FOOL A THING THAT WAS TO SAY
so anyways this book is a device i created before i started therapy which i rely on from time to time when i am in need that i wanted to share with you. i think creating your own culture of “self-help” is very important, hopefully if we start there we can eventually sire a unified amalgum culture pure enough to dissolve the “economy brand” ableist, racist, sexist bullshit we were born into.
*thank you to this anon for showing me the blank spots in my reasoning starting with this message