today i am posting in the syle of “how ridiculous is a “context” in the face of senseless multi-directional meaningless existence?”
a post about hospital that has no photographs, no gif’s, no free music etc. but is actually just a collection of facebook status updates/comments i have made today/yesterday while i wait in line at the internal pharmacy to see if they are going to deny me the medication i need to have injected into me in the next ten minutes because my centrelink hasn’t come in yet and i have outstanding debts that i was told would not be counted on my record.
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Grant Gronewold
woah, i was singing a new song i’m working on and somebody just bashed into my door and then instantly came into my room without looking at me followed by a nurse trying to pull him back, he had a really vacant stare walked across the room looked out the window and left again followed the by the nurses who was aplogizing. i watched him walk out of my room, walk a circle and then go crashing into bigger double doors, with the nurses saying his name and telling him it was time to go back now. i wish i could do something for him, he seemed really intent on opening doors and searching for things but speechlessly and without acknowledging other people. i have heard about “wanderers” from the neurosurgery ward next door but never experienced it. at first i was really scared but now i just hope that whatever he is looking for or whatever is occuring on his insides is good for him. i sort of wish he’d come back and we could search together. his name was matthew and he was a very beautiful boy and the experience has driven me emotional.
Like · · 3 hours ago
Grant Gronewold
do you believe in love after love? i can feel something inside me say: “i have never loved anyone and felt it’s ending. i have only felt circumstance and role play change in a relationship. the way i feel love for that person is the only type of “forever” i can believe in.”
Like · · 5 hours ago
Grant Gronewold
I AM ACHIEVE AT BREATHING! MY LUNG FUNCTION HAS RISEN BY TEN PERCENT BASELINE UN-ASSISTED BY MEDICATION - 30 PERCENT WITH MEDS! PUTTING ME AT 80 PERCENT WHEN MEDICATED (ALMOST NORMAL) this means that all of the pain and solitude i have been subjecting myself to has been actually completely worth it and is completely justified and makes total sense in terms of my life. i.e. through work and discipline i have achieved a sense of meaning and feeling like tomorrow is real, life is real, time is real and i am really fucking good at all of it. i am fucking good. I AM ACHIEVE.
Like · · Yesterday at 9:45a.m
****** ( linked article that relates to following comments by the amazing auntiemincepie
http://auntieminciespurplereign.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/sexy-mincer/ ) *****
Grant Gronewold curtis i really like this article. i am so glad to hear your thoughts on this. i don’t feel a pressure for sexiness (specifically, but i do feel that what i am about to talk about is a product of sexiness) in this same way, but i often feel that i am disappointing or affronting to people if i can’t keep it snappy, flirty and light in certain communities, cause in reality i am a very depressed person who has to put alot of emphasis on coping and if i am ever flirty or snappy or light then it is usually in spite of a greater sadness within me. i don’t know if you would consider these things relatable or if it would seem that i have mis-percieved your idea, but this is where my heart went when i read this. as well i would like to state my privelage and my thankfulness for all the amazing creatures who do facilitate me to speak on my sadness. i have to go have lunch but i think i will re-read your article and think on it more. MOST ALL I LOVE TO SEE YOU EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS CAUSE IT’S BEAUTIFULLLLLLL! #supportforthisblog
2 hours ago · Like · 6
Grant Gronewold i totally think that feeds into it curtis, i mean if i am out 90 percent of the time it is at a show i am playing or at a houseparty for adventures/being a babe and a appreciating other babes, so absolutely i think that influences the recepetion of my daily insights. i mean when beyonce’s blaring and i am talking in a group that may have four or five crushes of mine in it (being near a crush can more or less garantee i am going to be painfully honest) and i am asked what’s on my mind and i say some shit like “i was just calculating how many times i have thought of death since i arrived at the party because every night i have been going to sleep under the weight of suicidal thoughts” i can sympathize with people feeling weirded out or affronted, but i am torn as well becase i don’t want to hide my feelings because my environment is counter to them. you know? and i do feel half of the shock that it elicites is just not being clever, not performing, not trying to get sexy in a traditional way, but in fact trying to do (more than but for the sake of simplicity) two things at once, be honest and be hot through my honesty and i find that it is a very tricky balance to feel sexy and satisfied and comfortable with what i am saying or doing.
about an hour ago · Like
Grant Gronewold
i think for me that’s half of it, preforming and but being myself in the centre of that preformance. then of course the other half is outside influence and reception of preformance i suppose. but i think what you feel about our environmental tendencies is very on point.
